Unanswerable questions…

Oct3

Yesterday, for the fourth time in less than a year, I experienced loss. First my mother, then my mother-in-law, then my best friend of over 20 years, then my lifetime best friend. I feel drained of strength. As a Christian, our personal strength is totally inadequate in dealing with such losses. Especially when not enough time for recuperation has transpired among those losses. So, while my personal strength dwindles, as it must, God’s strength can take over.  For when we acknowledge that only God’s strength is sufficient in times such as these, then will we be prepared to deal with loss. 

9 …, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV

Then today, in the midst of yet another sorrow over the loss of my lifetime best friend, I get word that a young missionary friend, who is dear to me and my family, was senselessly killed.

What strength I had gained from God in my previous losses, was exploded away when we got word of our friend’s death.  For those losses made sense. Death due to cancer or old age is understandable. But not this loss. How do we understand what is not understandable? 

Our friend, leaves behind a wife and three young daughters, and a vibrant ministry there in the country where he served. What will they do now? What about his parents and siblings? So, what do I do with all my tumultuous thoughts. How can I pray effectively for my friend’s devastated wife and daughters, parents, siblings when I am in such turmoil myself? 

This verse came to my mind from Isaiah 55:8-9

8“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
    declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

In my humanness, that part of me that is ruled by my flesh, the above verse just doesn’t cut it. But quietly the voice of God speaks to my spirit, that part of me that is ruled by God’s Holy Spirit, and whispers words to calm the thunder storm raging in my head.  

            Because God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts, there are just going to be acts that God allows that we will not have the capacity to understand. Like in this case with the death of my young missionary friend.

To survive these ordeals, we must familiarize ourselves with what we do know about God. Camp down on verses that deal with God providing strength in times of weakness as in the verses of II Corinthians mentioned. Verses that encourage us to, 

“ trust God with all of our heart (especially when tragedy intrudes into our lives) and lean not on our own understanding. In all our ways acknowledge Him and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6). “

Receive the truth of verses like Joshua 1:9 as a warm blanket to ward off the cruel coldness of such tragedies.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

            I still don’t understand why this tragedy was allowed to happen. The pain and the horror are still so fresh. My mind revolts against the images of the trauma my young friend’s loved ones are having to endure. How do I pray for them?  I will focus on wording my prayers with what I do understand, what I do know:

I do know that when we need strength, God will provide it. (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

I do know when we need peace God will provide it. (Philippians 4:6-7)

I do know that He will bring restoration. (Psalm 71:20 NKJV)

I do know that God hears our prayers and gives us what we need in answer to those prayers. (Psalm 34:18)

My prompting from God just now is to focus on what I do know about God and pray that over his family and friends. We must choose to trust God with the unanswerable questions !

The healing fruit within dreams…

Sep26

I was sitting on a bench in the Meadows (nearby public park) the other day and contemplating the extraordinary chain of events that have led me here. My way here originated years ago within a dream. For reasons, I’m still not completely sure of, Scotland was the place I dreamed of going. 

Flash forward to a cool summer porch sitting morning. I was giving an ear to my son’s plans to work on a master’s degree. At the mention of the University of Edinburgh as being a possible choice, my dream thoughts of traveling to Scotland sprang to attention. Well, as they say, the rest is history. 

So how does one explain the steps that lead to a dream coming true? Or all that a dream is designed for. Not sure I could do that. But what I do know is having the dream is the only contribution I made to its unfolding. The rest of the details were orchestrated by God. 

Psalm 37:23 speaks of a man’s ways being established by the LORD…

Additionally, Ecclesiastes 8:6, “For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, though a man’s trouble is heavy upon him.”

These verses remind me that God’s timing is something we can count on and rest in. My fourth visit (yes I did say 4th) to Edinburgh occurred after a time of unexpected trouble and heartache. Last November and March my elderly mother and mother in law transitioned to their new homes in heaven. And while we were somewhat prepared, letting go of the woman who loved you like no other, is something that takes time to process. While I was in the throes of learning how to live without the security of my mother’s presence, I was delivered a crushing blow in the unexpected death of my best friend of 20 plus years. Her death, in May of this year, left me feeling unanchored. Now, I had no earthly person to spill my guts to and still feel loved and understood. While I did know comfort, as I recalled all the conversations we had about how wonderful heaven would be, neither of us suspected it would happen to one of us so soon. It was like my breath had been knocked out of me! 

I wandered from one emotion to another, feeling all the pain but having only limited relief. I couldn’t help but feel God’s timing was way off after my third loss within less than a year. I was tempted to fuss at God for removing the one person that He had faithfully used for years to get me back on my feet during the crisis of caretaking for elderly parents and their eventual deaths.

Then in late August, God set up the proper time, in the midst of my misery, to put time and space between me and my sorrows. Placing me in a historical city where at every turn I am reminded of the permanence and faithfulness of God’s provision. 

Therefore, even now, I know that I can rest and remain confident in His timing and that my ways have and will continue to be established by Him. Because it is the proper time for seeds hidden within the depths of a dream of years gone by, to bear their healing fruit. 

Who Is It About, Jesus or Me?

Sep11

I don’t think I like that question. After all, I am a Christian and Christ is the center of my life. Right? 

But way too often the reality is we crowd Jesus out. How?

Well, let’s just think on that for a moment. We get into an argument with someone but the driving force becomes more about being understood, rather than trying to understand. 

We are charged, as a Christian, to read our Bibles daily and spend time with God in prayer. However, it becomes too inconvenient to make time for such things. 

Perhaps the most telling that we are making it all about me is when trials come our way. How often when trials present themselves do we turn inward and ask God, “What is lacking in my life that this trial will supply? Do we even know what God’s thoughts might be in relation to our trials?

Yes, we know about the struggle between our flesh and our spirit. But without the lessons learned through trials and/or becoming familiar with the directives supplied in Scripture, we simply don’t possess the awareness needed to discern who’s thoughts we are entertaining.

Therefore, as thoughts are formed in our minds they must be filtered through God’s word. It’s revealing to ask ourselves this question, “Do the thoughts I’m considering reflect my thoughts or God’s thoughts?” If there is little knowledge of God’s thoughts on the situation, then we will default to the flesh. We will make it all about me!

It’s a matter of perspective…

Sep5

By applying the truths from God’s word I mentioned in my previous post, Ignorance is not Bliss, the enemy’s efforts to steal my joy can be thwarted. So this post will be written from the point of view of one who applied those truths and claimed and is claiming the victory.

As each day unfolds, I choose my perspective. I can choose to be self-centered and limit my view to only those thoughts that reflect what concerns me. Or I can choose to broaden my point of view and ponder thoughts that reflect the wonder of God.

The fact that I am even here in Edinburgh is a miraculous gift from God. When my children were small I wrestled (yes wrestled) with God about surrendering my children to His will for their lives. Reason being I was afraid He would call them to go to far away places and I wouldn’t know the joy of living life within proximity of one another. So I asked God that if His plans for them would require the sacrifice I dreaded, would He please make it possible for me to visit them as often as I needed to.

I have four children and only my firstborn lives close enough to share in the living of life with them. My second born lives in New Jersey, my third born lives in Texas, and now my fourth born is living in Scotland. Yet God has been faithful and while I have not always gotten to visit my children who live far away whenever I wanted to, I have certainly been blessed to visit them whenever I needed to.

It’s a matter of not only choosing to surrender my children to God but of also choosing to surrender my will to God. And I believe because I made (and continue to make) that choice (although at times, it’s like I mentioned before. a real struggle) God has the freedom to fulfill my request to be able to visit them.

Yes, there is much in their lives and my grandchildren’s lives that their distant addresses have deemed I miss out on. But it’s once again a matter of perspective. In light of eternity what really matters here on earth? That I missed out on so much of my grandchildren’s growing up years, or that each one has made a decision to follow Christ?

Matthew 10:39

1 John 2:17

John 6:27

Ignorance is not bliss!

Aug31

As I write this blog post, I am in Edinburgh having accompanied my son and his family when they moved here so my son could work on a doctorate at the university. My plan is to hang around to help in any way that I can, then after my stay is completed I will make my solo journey home. (Not looking forward to that!!)

Being a genuine help, especially to my children, is a strong motivator for me. Yet, I struggle with fear that at 75 years of age, I will become limited as to how much help I will continue to be. Every increased ache or pain is taken advantage of by my flesh (that part of me that isn’t willing to be obedient to God’s Spirit in me), tempting me with doubts that I won’t be able to make but this one trip. My son will likely live here four or five years with his wife and two sons. Therefore my desire is to visit them once each year. But my flesh is stubbornly consistent in casting doubts and reeling in the thought that my desires won’t be fulfilled.

I battle constantly it seems with thoughts that my health will play out and prevent me from being the source of help and support I desire to be. When normal movement produces a sudden pain and/or discomfort , my thoughts become cloaked with negativity. Thoughts like, “You won’t last. What if you have to go to a doctor? You will become an inconvenience, not a source of help. That will mess up everything for them and for you.”

This is where my time of testing comes into full play. God has pointed out sources from His word where I can go to steady my thoughts and gain the perspective I need to assist me in recognizing the source of these doubts. The determination to reject them. And the insight to apply the powerful wisdom of these verses to defeat them. For instance: 

Psalm 34:4, ” I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (especially concerning the future of my health) 

God reminded me that my fears are nothing but fiery darts. My fears did not originate with Him. It was not His voice I was hearing. How did I know this? Because Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” 

Besides, Jeremiah 29:11 promises me this, “For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a future and a hope.”

I can defeat the enemy by wielding the weapons God has assigned to me, or the enemy can defeat me by keeping me ignorant of such weapons.

Life does move on and often requires a reset…

Aug2

Last November my mother took up residence in heaven. The following March my mother in law did the same. My husband and I were their main caretakers. I was able to care for my mom while she lived in her own home, as her was next door to mine. My mother-in-law moved in with us two years before she passed. And in the fall of last year my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. From then until May I watched her slowly decline. Never understanding that she was dying and would not experience the hoped for recovery. I felt myself bending under the weight of sadness. Too much to deal with in just a matter of a few months. 

It is now August, and time continues the ongoing work of healing. While waves of sadness still reach the shores of my thoughts, they have diminished in size. No longer threatening to overwhelm but a gentle reminder that in my loss I have the comfort of knowing they now reside in heaven.

Yet after receiving a gut punch in the loss of my best friend, on the heals of the loss of my mother and mother-in-law, I have to say I have had more downs than ups. Due largely to not being able to fully recover from one loss before another one hit. This summer has been spent searching for words from God that would serve as an anchor to secure me in the midst of the storms I was facing

But in God’s timing, next week all ten of my grandchildren, plus most of my children and children in laws will converge upon my home for what has come to be called “Nammy Camp.” Looking forward to and planning for this annual event has provided the much needed impetus I have needed in order to move forward in hope without retreating into my sadness. That is God’s way, after all.

Life, as many know, can be altered suddenly. These times require a reset to a new set of circumstances and situations. And true to His word,  God will work all these new circumstances and situations together for our good for those who love Him and care about pleasing Him.

Next week I’m looking forward to a major ‘reset.’ Days of a variety of distractions and redirected trains of thought. A reset that will redefine the perspective God would have me take regarding this next bend in my life. 

Set backs will happen…

Jul8

I’m learning that reaching the final stage, Acceptance, in the grieving process doesn’t mean the road is now clear ahead. The other day, I made a run into town to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite stores. I suspected this might be challenging. For you see, not only is it my favorite store, it was also Joney’s favorite.

Consequently, as soon as I walked through the door my mind was inundated with memories of the many shopping excursions Joney and I had made there. We never left that store empty handed. As a matter of fact, we often carried out more than we intended to buy! Sound familiar? But as God always does, He went before me and provided a shopping companion for me. My teenage granddaughter accompanied me thus lessening the impact going it alone would have had.

But eventually the time came to return my treasure of a granddaughter to her destination. Then I began the drive home. Once again, I was bombarded with memories. Memories of conversations that ran the gamut from deep spiritual thoughts to hilarious nonsensical thoughts. I could always count on Joney to spark a healthy dose of laughter to make the hard realities of truth easier to swallow. (Sounds like a line from Mary Poppins, doesn’t it)

Yet this time, I heard no ones voice but mine. And the quiet was, as they say, deafening . Loneliness enveloped me. I exerted much effort to block the negative, you know, fiery darts, with God’s Truth thoughts. Truths such as:

 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV

 “My Presence will go with you (He was saying I was not alone), and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14, NIV

However, as strong as these Truths were, the cloud of sadness continued to envelope me. Sadness brought on by the loneliness I was feeling intensified as fear and doubt joined its rank. These fiery darts took advantage of my low spirits by pressing me with thoughts of additional complications I might be facing as I grew older and less likely to manage without help.

Nevertheless, I continued pressing in to God. Psalms 34 became my anchor. God kept saying, I will be with you, I will deliver you from all of your fears, I will save you, to take refuge in Him, and on and on. Words to focus on, to believe in and apply!

It took a few days for God’s words to steady me. But as the cloud slowly dissipated, I’ve come to realize that set backs are a useful part of the healing process. They have a God designed purpose. For when the fiery darts are fired, putting up our shield of faith is necessary, if we want to thwart the attack. By cooperating with God, He will utilize the effects of the set back for our good. The following verse reveals the outcome:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 NIV

Wrestling with the future!

Jul1

What does the future hold? Who can answer such a question? Yet, we can get a pretty good idea based on what is happening in the present. At the age of almost 75, I have already experienced the death of my best friend. While it was a gut punch to loose my best friend, my confidant, it opened my understanding to the fact that death grows more common as we age. It’s just an aging thing. Not something we like to think about but it is a reality. Peoples bodies aren’t made to last forever. One of these days we are just going to wear out. The reality is that sometime in the future we are going to die. 

So since it’s inevitable and unavoidable, what should be our perspective about living out our lives? I find myself wrestling with thoughts about the future. Why wrestling? Because sometimes my vision is limited to my life here on earth. I see my body increasing in aches and pains, and running out of strength. Yard work, going up and down the stairs in my house, and keeping my balance presents obstacles in getting things done around here. Eventually, I just won’t be able to do the work it takes to keep up my yard and house. What do I do then?

Well, I could expand my vision and think about life beyond death. I am a believer in God and Jesus Christ. I have God’s Spirit living within me. God has spectacular plans for me after I die because I made a decision to become His child. Plans that include new life beyond this earthly life. I understand from what I’ve read in the Bible, that it is going to be more wonderful than I could imagine. Therefore, I could plant my thoughts in the rich soil of God’s eternal plan as I go about my daily life! And as I’m living my life I can incorporate the promises below. 

Is 46:4 NLV ,  Even when you are old I will be the same. And even when your hair turns white, I will help you. I will take care of what I have made. I will carry you and will save you. 

Ruth 4:15, He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age.

2 Cor. 4:16, Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

God has laid out a path for me. It’s only when I direct my focus away from His path, that I make myself vulnerable to the enemy’s plans. That’s when the wrestling begins!

Moving through grief, but keeping to the course…

Jun17

It’s been a few weeks now and while I’m still mourning the loss of my best friend, I do believe I have reached a turning point. The counsel of God, instructed me, early on, to take my time in grieving. And how long that time needed to be was up to me. So, I’m taking my time. Moving through as the light is given.

I spent time praying and seeking God’s counsel in His word. I’ve also leaned into writings of Christian writers that pointed me back to Christ. Such as C S Lewis and the website I referred to in an earlier post. I was prompted to cry out to God, like so many writers of Psalms did. For there was much I could not understand. I had questions, that had no answers. But I verbalized them to God, nevertheless. He was the only one who would allow me to unload without it threatening our relationship.

And that time spent in prayer and God’s word has and is bringing healing. The danger of dwelling on the unanswerable questions is that I wouldn’t move through the stages of grief in a healthy manner . I would get bogged down. For instance, “Grieving brings a deep sense of isolation. Isolation is a liar and tries to convince people they are alone and not understood.” Sounds like fiery darts doesn’t it!

But eventually, baby step by baby step, God is leading me out of my sorrowful darkness. While the pain may still be a dull ache that won’t go away, it is not as overwhelming as before. And while I may still have unanswered questions, I’m learning to not allow them to steal my focus. My moving forward will be impaired if I dwell on issues that are not in my realm to answer.

As I move into the Acceptance stage, I’m learning my reality has changed. “Acceptance has to do with concluding and moving on. We come to grips with the reality that there is no “going back to normal” rather, there is only a “new normal.”  My new normal is proving to be a learn-as-I go effort. I need God’s insight to navigate it successfully. Taking to heart God’s words from Scripture and applying them to my walk daily, gives me the light that will keep me on the path God has laid out for me.

Grief; the process. God; the hope!

Jun11

Loss, no matter the particulars, can threaten to be overwhelming. After the loss of my best friend of 20 plus years, it was as if I suddenly found myself walking alone on a path we both had shared.. This path had been filled with a variety of shared experiences. When the path dimmed and we found it difficult to move forward, God would shine His light on the way we should go. If it weren’t for those learning times of sharing the light, no telling how long I would have wandered alone in that darkness.

Grief turns out to be not a state but a process. Grief is like a winding road where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. — C.S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed

Grief takes us on a challenging but predictable path. First shock/denial, then anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. It’s been a month since I said my final goodbye to my best friend. And as time progressed, so did my movement through these stages. And through it all, I have been aware of God’s comforting presence. I was once told it’s the Holy Spirit of God that helps us do the hard things. I’ve been a most grateful recipient of that power. His power prevents me from lingering too long in one stage. Instead moving steadily onward, however slowly.

It’s difficult to imagine a future without my confidant. How will I manage those dark patches without her God inspired voice to coach me through them. I have no idea, but I know God does, and it will be the hope of that restoration that I will need to ponder upon.