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Alone but not alone…

Sep8
Ecclesiastes 3:4 – “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

We stood by your grave today in the context of a calm and comforting autumn day

It was the first time since your passing that the two of us stood there, together

We stood there gazing in unbelief (still) that your name was on that grave marker

We talked about the loneliness that hung over us since we have been separated

And intensified since you moved to heaven

We were forced to move forward, without you, and without the comfort of each other’s presence

We were each on our own, and loneliness has been our constant (but hidden) companion

But in time we were reunited for a short while

Enough time to recall the past memories we all 3 had shared

Memories that were fresh and made fresher in their recollection

I heard myself laughing like I always did when the 3 of us were together

But hadn’t since you passed away and our paths took different directions

Now our brief reunion has ended

But we have tasted the sweetness of our laughter once again and felt its healing comfort

Now we will move forward returning to our individual paths

While the echoes of our laughter lingers in our thoughts

and though on our singular paths, alone but not alone!


Blessed are you who weep now,
    for you will laugh. Luke 6:21 b

The Winter Season of Life – Part 1

May27

One of the common characteristics of the winter season of life is facing loss. Loss of physical strength or the onset of illness takes center stage. No matter how much we fight it, our strength will wane. Additionally, the loss of those we know and love increases with the announcement of ever increasing obituaries.

Yet, here we are. The winter of life is upon us. With every loss, no matter its characteristic, we are brought closer to the reality that life here on earth is but temporary. Something the previous seasons of life kept us too occupied to consider. Until now our desire to accumulate more for ourselves was an ongoing motivation. That isn’t the case now. Decluttering and lessening the demands of our accumulations is something we give consideration to in our later years. 

For many of us, our children have ventured onto paths that have lead them to places that have placed them inconveniently out of reach. Where once our days were satisfied with caring for their needs and enjoying their presence, their absence leaves a lonely void. Whether they live nearby or far away. The harsh cold truth is, they don’t need us anymore in the same way they use to.

Formerly, the manner in which we lived our lives contributed to our fulfillment of purpose. But with retirement and an empty house, that sense of purpose or usefulness has dramatically been altered. Add that to the limitations age presents us with, either by physical decline or illness, there just isn’t a lot to look forward to.

Another lesson, much more challenging, is learning to prevent past failures and mistakes from intruding into our present. Intrusions which dictate troubling attitudes and actions. When we allow ourselves to be reminded of the regrets of our past, they will build in force. And unless we learn to counter their attacks, we will find ourselves fighting a loosing battle.

Learning how to repel the negative thoughts (you remember, Fiery Darts) in order to replace them with positive thoughts (or Truth thoughts) is a constant battle, I’m afraid. But then I’m reminded of this question from my book,  “Do I want to spend the rest of my life successfully warding off fiery darts, or do I want to remain a victim of them?” (p 65, FD 3rd Edition)

In Part Two, I will delve further into life’s winter season and offer insights as to how to clear away the clouds of uncertainty that can accompany these dark days.

New Things Await…

Oct27

It’s been almost 1 1/2 years since the death of my best friend, Joney. I moved through the stages of grief with the comfort and realization that as a Christian she had finally arrived in the home she was made for and longed for. Now she is experiencing the glories of heaven that words here on earth cannot describe.

And on the surface I appeared to be progressing, albeit slowly. While my life has and is moving on, it is disturbing to me that an undercurrent of sadness stubbornly lingers. Disturbing because I know this does not please God. I realized only just recently a likely explanation: Over-focusing on my loss.

It was as if God was saying to me, “Yes, I called Joney home and I’m aware of the profound loss you are feeling. But while you no longer have the comfort of her presence, I have not left you comfortless. I have replaced what you use to have with Joney with something new. You won’t be able to recognize it though, if you keep focusing on your loss. So lay aside what use to be. Be open to the new things I have planned for you:

Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

I am beyond grateful for the precious memories Joney and I shared, the support we were to one another, the iron upon iron that characterized our friendship. I know, though, I cannot linger there. There are new things awaiting me.

Grief cannot sustain life….

Oct6
Do not remain in the consuming darkness,
Walk towards the life sustaining Light.

Since the death of my young missionary friend, grief seems to have become a permanent influencer. I realize the importance of cooperating with God as He brings comfort and healing. And God has proven faithful in guiding me step by step. And while my faith does grow stronger, I continue to be weighed down by grief (slowing my progress). I know, that does seem like a contradiction but grief hangs around, determined not to be shaken off. I suppose the losses I have suffered, happening within a few weeks, sometimes days of each other, realistically gave grief an opportunity to burrow in.

But as life persists in a forward motion, I habitually move forward as well. Yet, with an underlying sadness covering my steps like a dark cloud blocking the warm and healing rays of the sun. The pain of my own losses, added to the recent unimaginable pain of my friends over their tragic loss, clouds my ability to turn my eyes toward the sun’s light.

The brightness and laughter of a day escapes me as I inadvertently remain within the shadow of the cloud. Just this morning, however, God whispered something to me which caused the cloud to finally begin to evaporate.

Yes, life continues after loss and tragedy. And grief, while a necessary part of that forward motion, if allowed to linger longer than necessary, will gradually consume us. The point of grief is to cooperate with God as He leads us through it. Thereby, gaining a stronger life sustaining perspective as we move forward.

For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness. 2 Samuel 22:29 ESV

The healing fruit within dreams…

Sep26

I was sitting on a bench in the Meadows (nearby public park) the other day and contemplating the extraordinary chain of events that have led me here. My way here originated years ago within a dream. For reasons, I’m still not completely sure of, Scotland was the place I dreamed of going. 

Flash forward to a cool summer porch sitting morning. I was giving an ear to my son’s plans to work on a master’s degree. At the mention of the University of Edinburgh as being a possible choice, my dream thoughts of traveling to Scotland sprang to attention. Well, as they say, the rest is history. 

So how does one explain the steps that lead to a dream coming true? Or all that a dream is designed for. Not sure I could do that. But what I do know is having the dream is the only contribution I made to its unfolding. The rest of the details were orchestrated by God. 

Psalm 37:23 speaks of a man’s ways being established by the LORD…

Additionally, Ecclesiastes 8:6, “For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, though a man’s trouble is heavy upon him.”

These verses remind me that God’s timing is something we can count on and rest in. My fourth visit (yes I did say 4th) to Edinburgh occurred after a time of unexpected trouble and heartache. Last November and March my elderly mother and mother in law transitioned to their new homes in heaven. And while we were somewhat prepared, letting go of the woman who loved you like no other, is something that takes time to process. While I was in the throes of learning how to live without the security of my mother’s presence, I was delivered a crushing blow in the unexpected death of my best friend of 20 plus years. Her death, in May of this year, left me feeling unanchored. Now, I had no earthly person to spill my guts to and still feel loved and understood. While I did know comfort, as I recalled all the conversations we had about how wonderful heaven would be, neither of us suspected it would happen to one of us so soon. It was like my breath had been knocked out of me! 

I wandered from one emotion to another, feeling all the pain but having only limited relief. I couldn’t help but feel God’s timing was way off after my third loss within less than a year. I was tempted to fuss at God for removing the one person that He had faithfully used for years to get me back on my feet during the crisis of caretaking for elderly parents and their eventual deaths.

Then in late August, God set up the proper time, in the midst of my misery, to put time and space between me and my sorrows. Placing me in a historical city where at every turn I am reminded of the permanence and faithfulness of God’s provision. 

Therefore, even now, I know that I can rest and remain confident in His timing and that my ways have and will continue to be established by Him. Because it is the proper time for seeds hidden within the depths of a dream of years gone by, to bear their healing fruit. 

Moving through grief, but keeping to the course…

Jun17

It’s been a few weeks now and while I’m still mourning the loss of my best friend, I do believe I have reached a turning point. The counsel of God, instructed me, early on, to take my time in grieving. And how long that time needed to be was up to me. So, I’m taking my time. Moving through as the light is given.

I spent time praying and seeking God’s counsel in His word. I’ve also leaned into writings of Christian writers that pointed me back to Christ. Such as C S Lewis and the website I referred to in an earlier post. I was prompted to cry out to God, like so many writers of Psalms did. For there was much I could not understand. I had questions, that had no answers. But I verbalized them to God, nevertheless. He was the only one who would allow me to unload without it threatening our relationship.

And that time spent in prayer and God’s word has and is bringing healing. The danger of dwelling on the unanswerable questions is that I wouldn’t move through the stages of grief in a healthy manner . I would get bogged down. For instance, “Grieving brings a deep sense of isolation. Isolation is a liar and tries to convince people they are alone and not understood.” Sounds like fiery darts doesn’t it!

But eventually, baby step by baby step, God is leading me out of my sorrowful darkness. While the pain may still be a dull ache that won’t go away, it is not as overwhelming as before. And while I may still have unanswered questions, I’m learning to not allow them to steal my focus. My moving forward will be impaired if I dwell on issues that are not in my realm to answer.

As I move into the Acceptance stage, I’m learning my reality has changed. “Acceptance has to do with concluding and moving on. We come to grips with the reality that there is no “going back to normal” rather, there is only a “new normal.”  My new normal is proving to be a learn-as-I go effort. I need God’s insight to navigate it successfully. Taking to heart God’s words from Scripture and applying them to my walk daily, gives me the light that will keep me on the path God has laid out for me.

Grief; the process. God; the hope!

Jun11

Loss, no matter the particulars, can threaten to be overwhelming. After the loss of my best friend of 20 plus years, it was as if I suddenly found myself walking alone on a path we both had shared.. This path had been filled with a variety of shared experiences. When the path dimmed and we found it difficult to move forward, God would shine His light on the way we should go. If it weren’t for those learning times of sharing the light, no telling how long I would have wandered alone in that darkness.

Grief turns out to be not a state but a process. Grief is like a winding road where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. — C.S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed

Grief takes us on a challenging but predictable path. First shock/denial, then anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. It’s been a month since I said my final goodbye to my best friend. And as time progressed, so did my movement through these stages. And through it all, I have been aware of God’s comforting presence. I was once told it’s the Holy Spirit of God that helps us do the hard things. I’ve been a most grateful recipient of that power. His power prevents me from lingering too long in one stage. Instead moving steadily onward, however slowly.

It’s difficult to imagine a future without my confidant. How will I manage those dark patches without her God inspired voice to coach me through them. I have no idea, but I know God does, and it will be the hope of that restoration that I will need to ponder upon.