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Alone but not alone…

Sep8
Ecclesiastes 3:4 – “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

We stood by your grave today in the context of a calm and comforting autumn day

It was the first time since your passing that the two of us stood there, together

We stood there gazing in unbelief (still) that your name was on that grave marker

We talked about the loneliness that hung over us since we have been separated

And intensified since you moved to heaven

We were forced to move forward, without you, and without the comfort of each other’s presence

We were each on our own, and loneliness has been our constant (but hidden) companion

But in time we were reunited for a short while

Enough time to recall the past memories we all 3 had shared

Memories that were fresh and made fresher in their recollection

I heard myself laughing like I always did when the 3 of us were together

But hadn’t since you passed away and our paths took different directions

Now our brief reunion has ended

But we have tasted the sweetness of our laughter once again and felt its healing comfort

Now we will move forward returning to our individual paths

While the echoes of our laughter lingers in our thoughts

and though on our singular paths, alone but not alone!


Blessed are you who weep now,
    for you will laugh. Luke 6:21 b

The Winter Season of Life – Part 1

May27

One of the common characteristics of the winter season of life is facing loss. Loss of physical strength or the onset of illness takes center stage. No matter how much we fight it, our strength will wane. Additionally, the loss of those we know and love increases with the announcement of ever increasing obituaries.

Yet, here we are. The winter of life is upon us. With every loss, no matter its characteristic, we are brought closer to the reality that life here on earth is but temporary. Something the previous seasons of life kept us too occupied to consider. Until now our desire to accumulate more for ourselves was an ongoing motivation. That isn’t the case now. Decluttering and lessening the demands of our accumulations is something we give consideration to in our later years. 

For many of us, our children have ventured onto paths that have lead them to places that have placed them inconveniently out of reach. Where once our days were satisfied with caring for their needs and enjoying their presence, their absence leaves a lonely void. Whether they live nearby or far away. The harsh cold truth is, they don’t need us anymore in the same way they use to.

Formerly, the manner in which we lived our lives contributed to our fulfillment of purpose. But with retirement and an empty house, that sense of purpose or usefulness has dramatically been altered. Add that to the limitations age presents us with, either by physical decline or illness, there just isn’t a lot to look forward to.

Another lesson, much more challenging, is learning to prevent past failures and mistakes from intruding into our present. Intrusions which dictate troubling attitudes and actions. When we allow ourselves to be reminded of the regrets of our past, they will build in force. And unless we learn to counter their attacks, we will find ourselves fighting a loosing battle.

Learning how to repel the negative thoughts (you remember, Fiery Darts) in order to replace them with positive thoughts (or Truth thoughts) is a constant battle, I’m afraid. But then I’m reminded of this question from my book,  “Do I want to spend the rest of my life successfully warding off fiery darts, or do I want to remain a victim of them?” (p 65, FD 3rd Edition)

In Part Two, I will delve further into life’s winter season and offer insights as to how to clear away the clouds of uncertainty that can accompany these dark days.

New Things Await…

Oct27

It’s been almost 1 1/2 years since the death of my best friend, Joney. I moved through the stages of grief with the comfort and realization that as a Christian she had finally arrived in the home she was made for and longed for. Now she is experiencing the glories of heaven that words here on earth cannot describe.

And on the surface I appeared to be progressing, albeit slowly. While my life has and is moving on, it is disturbing to me that an undercurrent of sadness stubbornly lingers. Disturbing because I know this does not please God. I realized only just recently a likely explanation: Over-focusing on my loss.

It was as if God was saying to me, “Yes, I called Joney home and I’m aware of the profound loss you are feeling. But while you no longer have the comfort of her presence, I have not left you comfortless. I have replaced what you use to have with Joney with something new. You won’t be able to recognize it though, if you keep focusing on your loss. So lay aside what use to be. Be open to the new things I have planned for you:

Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

I am beyond grateful for the precious memories Joney and I shared, the support we were to one another, the iron upon iron that characterized our friendship. I know, though, I cannot linger there. There are new things awaiting me.

The healing fruit within dreams…

Sep26

I was sitting on a bench in the Meadows (nearby public park) the other day and contemplating the extraordinary chain of events that have led me here. My way here originated years ago within a dream. For reasons, I’m still not completely sure of, Scotland was the place I dreamed of going. 

Flash forward to a cool summer porch sitting morning. I was giving an ear to my son’s plans to work on a master’s degree. At the mention of the University of Edinburgh as being a possible choice, my dream thoughts of traveling to Scotland sprang to attention. Well, as they say, the rest is history. 

So how does one explain the steps that lead to a dream coming true? Or all that a dream is designed for. Not sure I could do that. But what I do know is having the dream is the only contribution I made to its unfolding. The rest of the details were orchestrated by God. 

Psalm 37:23 speaks of a man’s ways being established by the LORD…

Additionally, Ecclesiastes 8:6, “For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, though a man’s trouble is heavy upon him.”

These verses remind me that God’s timing is something we can count on and rest in. My fourth visit (yes I did say 4th) to Edinburgh occurred after a time of unexpected trouble and heartache. Last November and March my elderly mother and mother in law transitioned to their new homes in heaven. And while we were somewhat prepared, letting go of the woman who loved you like no other, is something that takes time to process. While I was in the throes of learning how to live without the security of my mother’s presence, I was delivered a crushing blow in the unexpected death of my best friend of 20 plus years. Her death, in May of this year, left me feeling unanchored. Now, I had no earthly person to spill my guts to and still feel loved and understood. While I did know comfort, as I recalled all the conversations we had about how wonderful heaven would be, neither of us suspected it would happen to one of us so soon. It was like my breath had been knocked out of me! 

I wandered from one emotion to another, feeling all the pain but having only limited relief. I couldn’t help but feel God’s timing was way off after my third loss within less than a year. I was tempted to fuss at God for removing the one person that He had faithfully used for years to get me back on my feet during the crisis of caretaking for elderly parents and their eventual deaths.

Then in late August, God set up the proper time, in the midst of my misery, to put time and space between me and my sorrows. Placing me in a historical city where at every turn I am reminded of the permanence and faithfulness of God’s provision. 

Therefore, even now, I know that I can rest and remain confident in His timing and that my ways have and will continue to be established by Him. Because it is the proper time for seeds hidden within the depths of a dream of years gone by, to bear their healing fruit. 

Life does move on and often requires a reset…

Aug2

Last November my mother took up residence in heaven. The following March my mother in law did the same. My husband and I were their main caretakers. I was able to care for my mom while she lived in her own home, as her was next door to mine. My mother-in-law moved in with us two years before she passed. And in the fall of last year my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. From then until May I watched her slowly decline. Never understanding that she was dying and would not experience the hoped for recovery. I felt myself bending under the weight of sadness. Too much to deal with in just a matter of a few months. 

It is now August, and time continues the ongoing work of healing. While waves of sadness still reach the shores of my thoughts, they have diminished in size. No longer threatening to overwhelm but a gentle reminder that in my loss I have the comfort of knowing they now reside in heaven.

Yet after receiving a gut punch in the loss of my best friend, on the heals of the loss of my mother and mother-in-law, I have to say I have had more downs than ups. Due largely to not being able to fully recover from one loss before another one hit. This summer has been spent searching for words from God that would serve as an anchor to secure me in the midst of the storms I was facing

But in God’s timing, next week all ten of my grandchildren, plus most of my children and children in laws will converge upon my home for what has come to be called “Nammy Camp.” Looking forward to and planning for this annual event has provided the much needed impetus I have needed in order to move forward in hope without retreating into my sadness. That is God’s way, after all.

Life, as many know, can be altered suddenly. These times require a reset to a new set of circumstances and situations. And true to His word,  God will work all these new circumstances and situations together for our good for those who love Him and care about pleasing Him.

Next week I’m looking forward to a major ‘reset.’ Days of a variety of distractions and redirected trains of thought. A reset that will redefine the perspective God would have me take regarding this next bend in my life. 

Set backs will happen…

Jul8

I’m learning that reaching the final stage, Acceptance, in the grieving process doesn’t mean the road is now clear ahead. The other day, I made a run into town to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite stores. I suspected this might be challenging. For you see, not only is it my favorite store, it was also Joney’s favorite.

Consequently, as soon as I walked through the door my mind was inundated with memories of the many shopping excursions Joney and I had made there. We never left that store empty handed. As a matter of fact, we often carried out more than we intended to buy! Sound familiar? But as God always does, He went before me and provided a shopping companion for me. My teenage granddaughter accompanied me thus lessening the impact going it alone would have had.

But eventually the time came to return my treasure of a granddaughter to her destination. Then I began the drive home. Once again, I was bombarded with memories. Memories of conversations that ran the gamut from deep spiritual thoughts to hilarious nonsensical thoughts. I could always count on Joney to spark a healthy dose of laughter to make the hard realities of truth easier to swallow. (Sounds like a line from Mary Poppins, doesn’t it)

Yet this time, I heard no ones voice but mine. And the quiet was, as they say, deafening . Loneliness enveloped me. I exerted much effort to block the negative, you know, fiery darts, with God’s Truth thoughts. Truths such as:

 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV

 “My Presence will go with you (He was saying I was not alone), and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14, NIV

However, as strong as these Truths were, the cloud of sadness continued to envelope me. Sadness brought on by the loneliness I was feeling intensified as fear and doubt joined its rank. These fiery darts took advantage of my low spirits by pressing me with thoughts of additional complications I might be facing as I grew older and less likely to manage without help.

Nevertheless, I continued pressing in to God. Psalms 34 became my anchor. God kept saying, I will be with you, I will deliver you from all of your fears, I will save you, to take refuge in Him, and on and on. Words to focus on, to believe in and apply!

It took a few days for God’s words to steady me. But as the cloud slowly dissipated, I’ve come to realize that set backs are a useful part of the healing process. They have a God designed purpose. For when the fiery darts are fired, putting up our shield of faith is necessary, if we want to thwart the attack. By cooperating with God, He will utilize the effects of the set back for our good. The following verse reveals the outcome:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 NIV

Moving through grief, but keeping to the course…

Jun17

It’s been a few weeks now and while I’m still mourning the loss of my best friend, I do believe I have reached a turning point. The counsel of God, instructed me, early on, to take my time in grieving. And how long that time needed to be was up to me. So, I’m taking my time. Moving through as the light is given.

I spent time praying and seeking God’s counsel in His word. I’ve also leaned into writings of Christian writers that pointed me back to Christ. Such as C S Lewis and the website I referred to in an earlier post. I was prompted to cry out to God, like so many writers of Psalms did. For there was much I could not understand. I had questions, that had no answers. But I verbalized them to God, nevertheless. He was the only one who would allow me to unload without it threatening our relationship.

And that time spent in prayer and God’s word has and is bringing healing. The danger of dwelling on the unanswerable questions is that I wouldn’t move through the stages of grief in a healthy manner . I would get bogged down. For instance, “Grieving brings a deep sense of isolation. Isolation is a liar and tries to convince people they are alone and not understood.” Sounds like fiery darts doesn’t it!

But eventually, baby step by baby step, God is leading me out of my sorrowful darkness. While the pain may still be a dull ache that won’t go away, it is not as overwhelming as before. And while I may still have unanswered questions, I’m learning to not allow them to steal my focus. My moving forward will be impaired if I dwell on issues that are not in my realm to answer.

As I move into the Acceptance stage, I’m learning my reality has changed. “Acceptance has to do with concluding and moving on. We come to grips with the reality that there is no “going back to normal” rather, there is only a “new normal.”  My new normal is proving to be a learn-as-I go effort. I need God’s insight to navigate it successfully. Taking to heart God’s words from Scripture and applying them to my walk daily, gives me the light that will keep me on the path God has laid out for me.

Grief; the process. God; the hope!

Jun11

Loss, no matter the particulars, can threaten to be overwhelming. After the loss of my best friend of 20 plus years, it was as if I suddenly found myself walking alone on a path we both had shared.. This path had been filled with a variety of shared experiences. When the path dimmed and we found it difficult to move forward, God would shine His light on the way we should go. If it weren’t for those learning times of sharing the light, no telling how long I would have wandered alone in that darkness.

Grief turns out to be not a state but a process. Grief is like a winding road where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. — C.S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed

Grief takes us on a challenging but predictable path. First shock/denial, then anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. It’s been a month since I said my final goodbye to my best friend. And as time progressed, so did my movement through these stages. And through it all, I have been aware of God’s comforting presence. I was once told it’s the Holy Spirit of God that helps us do the hard things. I’ve been a most grateful recipient of that power. His power prevents me from lingering too long in one stage. Instead moving steadily onward, however slowly.

It’s difficult to imagine a future without my confidant. How will I manage those dark patches without her God inspired voice to coach me through them. I have no idea, but I know God does, and it will be the hope of that restoration that I will need to ponder upon.

Death changes things…

May21

My best friend, who I was looking to several more years of camaraderie with, has passed away. Her death causes me to be reflective. Our friendship was of the rarest kind. It was not of this world, for it was based, grounded, and gifted by God. We had one of those iron sharpening iron unions. When God needed to make a point with us, He often would give it to the one to share with the other. I told her often, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Well, now I’m having to find that out. 

What am I finding out? I’m finding out death and change are companion forces. Death demands change. I’m finding out this harsh change can be used in one of two ways. It can produce a resolve to willingly reflect upon the changes I need to face up to in my own life or it can be used to create a numbness to the need for change in my life.

My best friend’s death has thrust me onto an undesirable path. A path without her companionship. Many of those she loved are finding themselves on a similar path. One without her countless physical acts of loving care. A path without the benefit of her voice reminding them of God’s love and calling on their lives. 

May we allow the memory of the words God spoken to us during her time with us to produce the changes that remain to be made in our lives. May we allow God’s pure voice to rise above all the cacophony of voices pulling us to focus only on ourselves. Voices that would cloud our memories of the truths she shared with us.

May we cooperate with God in examining those changes still needing to be made and from this point forward display actions and attitudes that truly honor Him and the prayers of the one who loved us so much. And by the way, bring us to our senses and escape the devil’s trap having been captured by him to do his will.

She’s gone on ahead…

May16

My best friend has gone on before me.

And I’m left behind

What do I do now when

I need her to pray for me

Or I just need to talk!

She helped keep my emotional balance

When life shifted & became upended

It worked both ways for us

For I lifted her up in my turn

Iron sharpening iron

We had that in each other

And in her final moments, I was prevented from sharing them with her

An event she look most forward to never happened

So we both were denied at the end

We shared similar dreams

We constantly found ourselves experiencing similar problems

As we helped guide each other through them

Our 20 plus years of friendship has been abruptly halted

Focusing on what I’ve lost is the tempter’s plan

I’ll not give in to that darkness

The things I don’t understand will just have to be filed away

To wait for a future revelation

In the meantime, I will grasp hold of God’s promises

He will never leave me or forsake me

He will work all things together for my good

He will be my strength at my weakest of times

He will give me reasons to continue moving forward

One day or moment at a time